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Pierre went on with his diary, and this is what he wrote in
it during that time:
24th November
Got up at eight, read the Scriptures, then went to my duties.
[By Joseph Alexeevich's advice Pierre had entered the service
of the state and served on one of the committees.] Returned home
for dinner and dined alone- the countess had many visitors I do
not like. I ate and drank moderately and after dinner copied out
some passages for the Brothers. In the evening I went down to
the countess and told a funny story about B., and only remembered
that I ought not to have done so when everybody laughed loudly
at it.
I am going to bed with a happy and tranquil mind. Great God,
help me to walk in Thy paths, (1) to conquer anger by calmness
and deliberation, (2) to vanquish lust by self-restraint and repulsion,
(3) to withdraw from worldliness, but not avoid (a) the service
of the state, (b) family duties, (c) relations with my friends,
and the management of my affairs.
27th November
I got up late. On waking I lay long in bed yielding to sloth.
O God, help and strengthen me that I may walk in Thy ways! Read
the Scriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came
and we talked about worldly vanities. He told me of the Emperor's
new projects. I began to criticize them, but remembered my rules
and my benefactor's words- that a true Freemason should be a zealous
worker for the state when his aid is required and a quiet onlooker
when not called on to assist. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers
G. V. and O. visited me and we had a preliminary talk about the
reception of a new Brother. They laid on me the duty of Rhetor.
I feel myself weak and unworthy. Then our talk turned to the interpretation
of the seven pillars and steps of the Temple, the seven sciences,
the seven virtues, the seven vices, and the seven gifts of the
Holy Spirit. Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the
admission took place. The new decoration of the Premises contributed
much to the magnificence of the spectacle. It was Boris Drubetskoy
who was admitted. I nominated him and was the Rhetor. A strange
feeling agitated me all the time I was alone with him in the dark
chamber. I caught myself harboring a feeling of hatred toward
him which I vainly tried to overcome. That is why I should really
like to save him from evil and lead him into the path of truth,
but evil thoughts of him did not leave me. It seemed to me that
his object in entering the Brotherhood was merely to be intimate
and in favor with members of our lodge. Apart from the fact that
he had asked me several times whether N. and S. were members of
our lodge (a question to which I could not reply) and that according
to my observation he is incapable of feeling respect for our holy
order and is too preoccupied and satisfied with the outer man
to desire spiritual improvement, I had no cause to doubt him,
but he seemed to me insincere, and all the time I stood alone
with him in the dark temple it seemed to me that he was smiling
contemptuously at my words, and I wished really to stab his bare
breast with the sword I held to it. I could not be eloquent, nor
could I frankly mention my doubts to the Brothers and to the Grand
Master. Great Architect of Nature, help me to find the true path
out of the labyrinth of lies!
After this, three pages were left blank in the diary, and
then the following was written:
I have had a long and instructive talk alone with Brother
V., who advised me to hold fast by brother A. Though I am unworthy,
much was revealed to me. Adonai is the name of the creator of
the world. Elohim is the name of the ruler of all. The third name
is the name unutterable which means the All. Talks with Brother
V. strengthen, refresh, and support me in the path of virtue.
In his presence doubt has no place. The distinction between the
poor teachings of mundane science and our sacred all-embracing
teaching is clear to me. Human sciences dissect everything to
comprehend it, and kill everything to examine it. In the holy
science of our order all is one, all is known in its entirety
and life. The Trinity- the three elements of matter- are sulphur,
mercury, and salt. Sulphur is of an oily and fiery nature; in
combination with salt by its fiery nature it arouses a desire
in the latter by means of which it attracts mercury, seizes it,
holds it, and in combination produces other bodies. Mercury is
a fluid, volatile, spiritual essence. Christ, the Holy Spirit,
Him!...
3rd December
Awoke late, read the Scriptures but was apathetic. Afterwards
went and paced up and down the large hall. I wished to meditate,
but instead my imagination pictured an occurrence of four years
ago, when Dolokhov, meeting me in Moscow after our duel, said
he hoped I was enjoying perfect peace of mind in spite of my wife's
absence. At the time I gave him no answer. Now I recalled every
detail of that meeting and in my mind gave him the most malevolent
and bitter replies. I recollected myself and drove away that thought
only when I found myself glowing with anger, but I did not sufficiently
repent. Afterwards Boris Drubetskoy came and began relating various
adventures. His coming vexed me from the first, and I said something
disagreeable to him. He replied. I flared up and said much that
was unpleasant and even rude to him. He became silent, and I recollected
myself only when it was too late. My God, I cannot get on with
him at all. The cause of this is my egotism. I set myself above
him and so become much worse than he, for he is lenient to my
rudeness while I on the contrary nourish contempt for him. O God,
grant that in his presence I may rather see my own vileness, and
behave so that he too may benefit. After dinner I fell asleep
and as I was drowsing off I clearly heard a voice saying in my
left ear, "Thy day!"
I dreamed that I was walking in the dark and was suddenly
surrounded by dogs, but I went on undismayed. Suddenly a smallish
dog seized my left thigh with its teeth and would not let go.
I began to throttle it with my hands. Scarcely had I torn it off
before another, a bigger one, began biting me. I lifted it up,
but the higher I lifted it the bigger and heavier it grew. And
suddenly Brother A. came and, taking my arm, led me to a building
to enter which we had to pass along a narrow plank. I stepped
on it, but it bent and gave way and I began to clamber up a fence
which I could scarcely reach with my hands. After much effort
I dragged myself up, so that my leg hung down on one side and
my body on the other. I looked round and saw Brother A. standing
on the fence and pointing me to a broad avenue and garden, and
in the garden was a large and beautiful building. I woke up. O
Lord, great Architect of Nature, help me to tear from myself these
dogs- my passions especially the last, which unites in itself
the strength of all the former ones, and aid me to enter that
temple of virtue to a vision of which I attained in my dream.
7th December
I dreamed that Joseph Alexeevich was sitting in my house,
and that I was very glad and wished to entertain him. It seemed
as if I chattered incessantly with other people and suddenly remembered
that this could not please him, and I wished to come close to
him and embrace him. But as soon as I drew near I saw that his
face had changed and grown young, and he was quietly telling me
something about the teaching of our order, but so softly that
I could not hear it. Then it seemed that we all left the room
and something strange happened. We were sitting or lying on the
floor. He was telling me something, and I wished to show him my
sensibility, and not listening to what he was saying I began picturing
to myself the condition of my inner man and the grace of God sanctifying
me. And tears came into my eyes, and I was glad he noticed this.
But be looked at me with vexation and jumped up, breaking off
his remarks. I felt abashed and asked whether what he had been
saying did not concern me; but he did not reply, gave me a kind
look, and then we suddenly found ourselves in my bedroom where
there is a double bed. He lay down on the edge of it and I burned
with longing to caress him and lie down too. And he said, "Tell
me frankly what is your chief temptation? Do you know it? I think
you know it already." Abashed by this question, I replied
that sloth was my chief temptation. He shook his head incredulously;
and even more abashed, I said that though I was living with my
wife as he advised, I was not living with her as her husband.
To this he replied that one should not deprive a wife of one's
embraces and gave me to understand that that was my duty. But
I replied that I should be ashamed to do it, and suddenly everything
vanished. And I awoke and found in my mind the text from the Gospel:
"The life was the light of men. And the light shineth in
darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." Joseph Alexeevich's
face had looked young and bright. That day I received a letter
from my benefactor in which he wrote about "conjugal duties."
9th December
I had a dream from which I awoke with a throbbing heart. I
saw that I was in Moscow in my house, in the big sitting room,
and Joseph Alexeevich came in from the drawing room. I seemed
to know at once that the process of regeneration had already taken
place in him, and I rushed to meet him. I embraced him and kissed
his hands, and he said, "Hast thou noticed that my face is
different?" I looked at him, still holding him in my arms,
and saw that his face was young, but that he had no hair on his
head and his features were quite changed. And I said, "I
should have known you had I met you by chance," and I thought
to myself, "Am I telling the truth?" And suddenly I
saw him lying like a dead body; then he gradually recovered and
went with me into my study carrying a large book of sheets of
drawing paper; I said, "I drew that," and he answered
by bowing his head. I opened the book, and on all the pages there
were excellent drawings. And in my dream I knew that these drawings
represented the love adventures of the soul with its beloved.
And on its pages I saw a beautiful representation of a maiden
in transparent garments and with a transparent body, flying up
to the clouds. And I seemed to know that this maiden was nothing
else than a representation of the Song of Songs. And looking at
those drawings I dreamed I felt that I was doing wrong, but could
not tear myself away from them. Lord, help me! My God, if Thy
forsaking me is Thy doing, Thy will be done; but if I am myself
the cause, teach me what I should do! I shall perish of my debauchery
if Thou utterly desertest me!
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