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A LITTLE COLD WATER
My new life had lasted for more than a week, and I was stronger
than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt
the crisis required. I continued to walk extremely fast, and to
have a general idea that I was getting on. I made it a rule to take
as much out of myself as I possibly could, in my way of doing everything
to which I applied my energies. I made a perfect victim of myself.
I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet,
vaguely conceiving that, in becoming a graminivorous animal, I should
sacrifice to Dora.
As yet, little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness,
otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth. But another
Saturday came, and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss
Mills's; and when Mr. Mills had gone to his whist-club (telegraphed
to me in the street, by a bird-cage in the drawing-room middle window),
I was to go there to tea.
By this time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street,
where Mr. Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity.
My aunt had obtained a signal victory over Mrs. Crupp, by paying
her off, throwing the first pitcher she planted on the stairs out
of window, and protecting in person, up and down the staircase,
a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world. These vigorous
measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs. Crupp, that she
subsided into her own kitchen, under the impression that my aunt
was mad. My aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs. Crupp's opinion
and everybody else's, and rather favouring than discouraging the
idea, Mrs. Crupp, of late the bold, became within a few days so
faint-hearted, that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase,
she would endeavour to hide her portly form behind doors - leaving
visible, however, a wide margin of flannel petticoat - or would
shrink into dark corners. This gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction,
that I believe she took a delight in prowling up and down, with
her bonnet insanely perched on the top of her head, at times when
Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in the way.
My aunt, being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little
improvements in our domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be richer
instead of poorer. Among the rest, she converted the pantry into
a dressing-room for me; and purchased and embellished a bedstead
for my occupation, which looked as like a bookcase in the daytime
as a bedstead could. I was the object of her constant solicitude;
and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better, or studied
more how to make me happy.
Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed
to participate in these labours; and, although she still retained
something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt, had
received so many marks of encouragement and confidence, that they
were the best friends possible. But the time had now come (I am
speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills's)
when it was necessary for her to return home, and enter on the discharge
of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham. 'So good-bye,
Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and take care of yourself! I am sure I never
thought I could be sorry to lose you!'
I took Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off. She cried
at parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had
done. We had heard nothing of him since he went away, that sunny
afternoon.
'And now, my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'if, while you're
a prentice, you should want any money to spend; or if, when you're
out of your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and
you must do one or other, or both, my darling); who has such a good
right to ask leave to lend it you, as my sweet girl's own old stupid
me!'
I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply,
but that if ever I borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of
her. Next to accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave
Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done.
'And, my dear!' whispered Peggotty, 'tell the pretty little angel
that I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute! And tell
her that before she marries my boy, I'll come and make your house
so beautiful for you, if you'll let me!'
I declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty
such delight that she went away in good spirits.
I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons
all day, by a variety of devices, and at the appointed time in the
evening repaired to Mr. Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a terrible
fellow to fall asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out, and there
was no bird-cage in the middle window.
He kept me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the Club would
fine him for being late. At last he came out; and then I saw my
own Dora hang up the bird-cage, and peep into the balcony to look
for me, and run in again when she saw I was there, while Jip remained
behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in the street,
who could have taken him like a pill.
Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me; and Jip came scrambling
out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression that I was
a Bandit; and we all three went in, as happy and loving as could
be. I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys - not that
I meant to do it, but that I was so full of the subject - by asking
Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could love a beggar?
My pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the
word was a yellow face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or
a wooden leg, or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or something
of that kind; and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder.
'How can you ask me anything so foolish?' pouted Dora. 'Love
a beggar!'
'Dora, my own dearest!' said I. 'I am a beggar!'
'How can you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora, slapping my
hand, 'as to sit there, telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite
you!'
Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me,
but it was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated:
'Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!'
'I declare I'll make Jip bite you!' said Dora, shaking her curls,
'if you are so ridiculous.'
But I looked so serious, that Dora left off shaking her curls,
and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked
scared and anxious, then began to cry. That was dreadful. I fell
upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her
not to rend my heart; but, for some time, poor little Dora did nothing
but exclaim Oh dear! Oh dear! And oh, she was so frightened! And
where was Julia Mills! And oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away,
please! until I was almost beside myself.
At last, after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got
Dora to look at me, with a horrified expression of face, which I
gradually soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty
cheek was lying against mine. Then I told her, with my arms clasped
round her, how I loved her, so dearly, and so dearly; how I felt
it right to offer to release her from her engagement, because now
I was poor; how I never could bear it, or recover it, if I lost
her; how I had no fears of poverty, if she had none, my arm being
nerved and my heart inspired by her; how I was already working with
a courage such as none but lovers knew; how I had begun to be practical,
and look into the future; how a crust well earned was sweeter far
than a feast inherited; and much more to the same purpose, which
I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising
to myself, though I had been thinking about it, day and night, ever
since my aunt had astonished me.
'Is your heart mine still, dear Dora?' said I, rapturously, for
I knew by her clinging to me that it was.
'Oh, yes!' cried Dora. 'Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be
dreadful!'
I dreadful! To Dora!
'Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora, nestling
closer to me. 'Oh, don't, don't!'
'My dearest love,' said I, 'the crust well-earned -'
'Oh, yes; but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!' said
Dora. 'And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or he'll
die.'
I was charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained
to Dora that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed
regularity. I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent
by my labour - sketching in the little house I had seen at Highgate,
and my aunt in her room upstairs.
'I am not dreadful now, Dora?' said I, tenderly.
'Oh, no, no!' cried Dora. 'But I hope your aunt will keep in
her own room a good deal. And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!'
If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am
sure I did. But I felt she was a little impracticable. It damped
my new-born ardour, to find that ardour so difficult of communication
to her. I made another trial. When she was quite herself again,
and was curling Jip's ears, as he lay upon her lap, I became grave,
and said:
'My own! May I mention something?'
'Oh, please don't be practical!' said Dora, coaxingly. 'Because
it frightens me so!'
'Sweetheart!' I returned; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all
this. I want you to think of it quite differently. I want to make
it nerve you, and inspire you, Dora!'
'Oh, but that's so shocking!' cried Dora.
'My love, no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable
us to bear much worse things.' 'But I haven't got any strength at
all,' said Dora, shaking her curls. 'Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip,
and be agreeable!'
It was impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up
to me for that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth
into kissing form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted
should be performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose. I
did as she bade me - rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience
- and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know
how long.
'But, Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; 'I was
going to mention something.'
The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love
with her, to see her fold her little hands and hold them up, begging
and praying me not to be dreadful any more.
'Indeed I am not going to be, my darling!' I assured her. 'But,
Dora, my love, if you will sometimes think, - not despondingly,
you know; far from that! - but if you will sometimes think - just
to encourage yourself - that you are engaged to a poor man -'
'Don't, don't! Pray don't!' cried Dora. 'It's so very dreadful!'
'My soul, not at all!' said I, cheerfully. 'If you will sometimes
think of that, and look about now and then at your papa's housekeeping,
and endeavour to acquire a little habit - of accounts, for instance
-'
Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that
was half a sob and half a scream.
'- It would be so useful to us afterwards,' I went on. 'And if
you would promise me to read a little - a little Cookery Book that
I would send you, it would be so excellent for both of us. For our
path in life, my Dora,' said I, warming with the subject, 'is stony
and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it. We must fight
our way onward. We must be brave. There are obstacles to be met,
and we must meet, and crush them!'
I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most
enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed.
I had said enough. I had done it again. Oh, she was so frightened!
Oh, where was Julia Mills! Oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away,
please! So that, in short, I was quite distracted, and raved about
the drawing-room.
I thought I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her
face. I went down on my knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced
myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast. I implored her
forgiveness. I besought her to look up. I ravaged Miss Mills's work-box
for a smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind applied an ivory
needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora. I shook
my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself. I did every wild
extravagance that could be done, and was a long way beyond the end
of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room.
'Who has done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend.
I replied, 'I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!'
- or words to that effect - and hid my face from the light, in the
sofa cushion.
At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were
verging on the Desert of Sahara; but she soon found out how matters
stood, for my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began
exclaiming that I was 'a poor labourer'; and then cried for me,
and embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all her money
to keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender
heart were broken.
Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She ascertained
from me in a few words what it was all about, comforted Dora, and
gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer - from my manner
of stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was a navigator,
and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow
- and so brought us together in peace. When we were quite composed,
and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some rose-water to her eyes,
Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing interval, I told Miss Mills
that she was evermore my friend, and that my heart must cease to
vibrate ere I could forget her sympathy.
I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very
unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general
principles, that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace
of cold splendour, and that where love was, all was.
I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should
know it better than I, who loved Dora with a love that never mortal
had experienced yet? But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency,
that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I explained
that I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the
masculine gender.
I then put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that
there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had
been anxious to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping,
and the Cookery Book?
Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:
'Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering
and trial supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will
be as plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion
is not appropriate to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite
child of nature. She is a thing of light, and airiness, and joy.
I am free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well,
but -' And Miss Mills shook her head.
I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss
Mills to ask her, whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any opportunity
of luring her attention to such preparations for an earnest life,
she would avail herself of it? Miss Mills replied in the affirmative
so readily, that I further asked her if she would take charge of
the Cookery Book; and, if she ever could insinuate it upon Dora's
acceptance, without frightening her, undertake to do me that crowning
service. Miss Mills accepted this trust, too; but was not sanguine.
And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that
I really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything
so ordinary. And she loved me so much, and was so captivating (particularly
when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, and when she
pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot teapot for punishment
because he wouldn't), that I felt like a sort of Monster who had
got into a Fairy's bower, when I thought of having frightened her,
and made her cry.
After tea we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old
French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving
off dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater Monster
than before.
We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little
while before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make
some allusion to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being
obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five o'clock. Whether Dora
had any idea that I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to say;
but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played nor
sang any more.
It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said
to me, in her pretty coaxing way - as if I were a doll, I used to
think:
'Now don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so nonsensical!'
'My love,' said I, 'I have work to do.'
'But don't do it!' returned Dora. 'Why should you?'
It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face,
otherwise than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live.
'Oh! How ridiculous!' cried Dora.
'How shall we live without, Dora?' said I.
'How? Any how!' said Dora.
She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave
me such a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart,
that I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer,
for a fortune.
Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly,
entirely, and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard,
and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire,
I would sit sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how
I had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way
with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used
to fancy that my head was turning quite grey.
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